Hope, Purpose, and Alcohol

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking…well, I’m always thinking, but I’ve been especially thinking in an introspective way lately because I’m out of school and have much more time to think about myself instead of schoolwork...and much more time to drink as well…

Oh, alcohol: the bittersweet, magical nectar of life.  It’s a liquid that has both good and bad potential.  If used irresponsibly, injury and perhaps death can occur, but if used responsibly, it can work wonders and make life much more interesting.  My boyfriend Marshall and I have been drinking a bit more than usual, but we’ve been doing it responsibly as always.  Alcohol has created great opportunities for deep conversations the past few days.  It’s the “liquid courage” for Marshall and me to share things about ourselves that we normally wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about: past relationships, beliefs, embarrassments, insecurities, etc… 

The more that I share about myself with Marshall and the more that Marshall shares about himself, the more I attach myself to him and the more I fall in love with every new aspect about him.  He’s become my whole world, and when I’m apart from him the only thing I can think about is being with him again.  This is beautiful but also quite scary.  I am filled with hopes for our future together, but what if my hopes don’t come true and I become discouraged?  Life right now is a fairy tale, especially when I think of all the potential that our future together has, but I feel that I’m setting my expectations too high by being too hopeful.  I’m a dreamer, so my hopes sometime tend to be a little unrealistic and over the top.  Going along with this hope is my purpose.  I set my hopes so high, so in turn I also set my purpose high.  I want to do so much.  I want to help and love and spread joy to as many people as I can, but I don’t know how or when or where. 

I’m very anxious and impatient right now, looking around for jobs and waiting to hear back from jobs I’ve applied to.  I just want to finally find a job that fits me perfectly…a job that I can excel at and one where I can fulfill my soul’s purpose.  Right now I’m at a standstill, frozen in time at a fork in the road, wondering what to do next and what’s going to happen next.  For a person who likes to always be doing something meaningful and prefers certainty, this has been an overwhelming, frustrating time.  There’s one thing, however, that keeps me from exploding from both peer and self-imposed pressure: Marshall. 

Marshall is always there for me, and is ever kind, attentive, and uplifting.  A couple of weekends ago, on the day after graduation, I had a mental breakdown in front of Marshall.  The amazing thing is that he knows me better than myself sometimes: he saw the breakdown coming before I even saw it coming!  He knew something was wrong, and eventually I broke down and cried before I could express what I was feeling.  One of the many things I love about Marshall is that he is so patient and loving.  He doesn’t become uncomfortable or revolted by my emotional outbursts but instead holds me close and strokes my hair, just patiently waiting for me to tell him what is wrong whenever I’m ready to.  When I finally find the words for what I’m feeling, each word I speak brings a new rush of relief.  It feels so nice to confide myself to someone I love and trust. 

Falling in love—falling in love with my soul mate, my one and only—is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I really love this line from the book Dream Lake by Lisa Kleypas because it perfectly describes what finding your soul mate is like: “It’s like your whole life you’ve been falling toward the earth, until the moment someone catches you.  And you realize that somehow you’ve caught her at the same time.  And together, instead of falling, you might be able to fly” (157).  By sharing ourselves and our love—and drinking some alcohol to make the process even easier and more crazily interesting—two souls are able to come together and help each other fix their broken wings, discovering their beautifully unique potentials.