Fear

   

      Fear: it's such a paralyzing, useless thing, but we all deal with it, especially when it comes to me.  There are so many interesting experiences I could have taken part in if only I hadn't been overcome with fear.  Meeting new people, talking to an attractive guy, trying a new activity, applying for and interviewing for a job: these are all examples where fear stopped me from pursuing them.

     You know the phrase "There's nothing to fear but fear itself"?  That's what we all need to focus on the next time we're afraid of something, because it's true.  Sure, fear can be a healthy reaction to things/situations that truly could physically hurt or kill you, but for the most part fear is irrational, merely a product of your mind.  Fear keeps us from truly experiencing life; instead of being active participants, we are passive observers just watching life pass us by.

     I think that the main reason that we fear all stems from the uncertain nature of life.  This is the base of every fear a person has: uncertainty.  Uncertainty of whether what the person fears to do/experience will hurt us or not.  Humans inherently desire to feel safe so we then fear anything that threatens this safety.  But if you let your whole life be controlled by your fear then you'll never experience life; now that's something to truly fear.  Life is for living, Maybe, as Lights says in her song "Lions," "you don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."  Instead of sitting on the sidelines, fearing your life, go out there and live it, having faith that it will all work out in the end.

Intellectual Conversations

          When I saw the above picture on Facebook, I deeply connected with it and began reflecting on it.  I have this same love for intellectual conversations, too.  In such a life filled with busyness and distractions, it's hard to find time to just sit down and talk to one another about what really matters in life, but we all really need to find the time to do this.  Intellectual conversations are fascinating, healing, and make you question your beliefs in a very stimulating way.  You don't have to have a P.H.D. or be super smart in order to have an intellectual conversation; all you need to do is rid yourself of life's distractions for a while and focus, focus only on the people around you and the conversation.

          In today's world, we are always surrounded by distractions: TV, Internet, smart phones, movies, etc...  While these distractions can be fun, they are also harmful.  They dissolve true human interactions, taking us away from reality.  We get so caught up in the artificial, technological world that we don't even pay attention to the real world after a while.  One instance that really brought this idea to my attention occurred when I was on my way to class at the university.  Walking down the hallway, there were a bunch of people sitting on the floor outside of the classrooms, waiting for the room to open up...if you could even call them people; they were more like robots.  Every single person--and no exaggeration here at all--every single person was staring into a screen: their phone, a laptop, or their tablet.  I often feel out of place in this technological world because I don't own a smart phone, but I'm glad that I don't own one.  It's nice to escape technology for a while.  And that's where intellectual conversations come in...

          Instead of sitting around on the couch, staring into screens, we should all engage in intellectual conversation.  It would be much more interesting and more worthwhile, and much more real.  I mean, talking with real people?  You can't beat that!  Though I am really shy and suck at conversation, I appreciate and love intellectual conversation.  If you get me going on a conversation about philosophy, existential ideas, and/or the Universe, I may not talk excessively (at least at first), but I will definitely be enjoying it.  I'm more of a listener than a talker.  I find listening to others' ideas, and then mulling over those ideas in my head, to be a quite valuable and interesting endeavor.  I am a very open-minded individual and absolutely adore learning new beliefs, ideas, and concepts that I'd never considered before.  I don't judge; I believe that all people are welcome to have their own beliefs and ideas, and I really love that there are so many different beliefs and ideas to constantly discover.  That's what makes intellectual conversations so amazing: it's always fresh and new.  You question what you believe in, communicate what you believe in, and learn something new along the way.

So, instead of sitting on the couch and watching TV or staring into your phone,  strike up an intellectual conversation with someone tonight.  You'll be so glad that you did. :)  

Shy

Shyness

By: Pablo Neruda

I scarcely knew, by myself, that I existed,

that I'd be able to be, and go on being.

I was afraid of that, of life itself.

I didn't want to be seen,

I didn't want my existence to be known.

I became pallid, thin, absentminded.

I didn't want to speak so that nobody

would recognize my voice, I didn't want

to see so that nobody would see me.

Walking, I pressed myself against the wall

like a shadow slipping away...

            

           This poem by Pablo Neruda describes shyness very well.  The experience described in the poem is something that has happened to me all of my life.  Being shy is so limiting and so hard to break away from.  Through the years I've tried to be less shy, and I've succeeded a bit, but that shyness is still always there, a rain cloud hovering over my head, whenever I'm around other people.  The odd thing about myself, as both a shy person and an introvert, is that I both love and dislike people at the same time.  I like them but mainly from a distance.  I don't mind being alone but yet I don't like to be alone for too long.  I'm a contradictory, confusing mess. 

              I think that the main reason for my shyness--and most likely other shy people as well-- stems from this: feeling unconfident and uninteresting.  This is why I dread being in groups of people; I'm afraid that I'll say or do something wrong and that I--and what I have to say--is uninteresting.  So, once this whole mindset is started, it becomes a habit that is almost impossible to break: a habit of just remaining silent in conversation and escaping the spotlight as much as possible.  When the spotlight is put upon me, my mind and body go into a panic: insecurities and fears race through my brain, my face burns red, my palms break out in a cold sweat, my voice shakes, and I feel like I'm either going to cry or cease to breathe.  My whole being is silently crying out to escape the situation, to get somewhere where I can be alone.  A quiet place where I can feel calm and confident and keep company with the thoughts, daydreams, and reflections in my mind.

              Solitude and silence: that's another interesting, related matter.  I think the reason that I'm so in-tune with my thoughts and emotions is because I spend a lot of time alone.  I find solitude to be soothing: to escape the constant hustle and bustle of everyday life, with the constant people and the overwhelming developments of city life in general.  Yesterday (a Friday afternoon) I ran a few errands around town and by the end of my errand-running, I was feeling suffocated and anxious.  I needed to escape the containment of crowds of people and buildings, so I took a hike at Schmeeckle Reserve.  Magically my suffocation and anxiety disappeared.  I was where I belonged: in nature, alone with my thoughts and the beauty of the expansive world around me. 

             What I love most about Nature is that she doesn't judge.  I can sing and dance and be myself, and Nature will just soothingly whisper through the trees, urging me to continue on.  That afternoon I had a realization that being surrounded by tall, towering buildings is intimidating, but, ironically, being surrounded by tall, towering pine trees is empowering.  The city sucks away my confidence and free spirit, constantly pointing out my insufficiency.  But Nature empowers me and makes me free.  She accepts and nurtures individuality; every piece of her is unique and ever-changing.  Nature doesn't pressure me to do/say a certain thing or be a certain way.  She remains silent and lets me express myself however I choose.  We could learn a lot from Nature: to slow down and take a moment to appreciate how awe-inspiring the natural world around us is, and to be silent...to listen to the voice inside you and realize that this voice is truly something beautiful and marvelous, just like you.

Forgive and Forget

“Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;

For thus merely touching you is enough, is best,

And thus touching you would I silently sleep and be carried eternally.”

               

             I really love this quote from Walt Whitman’s poem “Whoever You Are Holding Me Now in Hand.”  It’s so calming and romantic; it brings back all the memories of sweet, romantic times that my boyfriend and I have had--and continue to have--together.  I have an obsession for quotes in general.  Whenever I’m reading and come across a quote that particularly strikes me, I put a little heart by it so I can find it later.  The problem, however, is that I don’t have time to write down all the little quotes I comes across, and even if I do find the time, I forget where I found the quote or even what the quote was.

 Forgetfulness and lack of time: I deal with these on a regular basis, as I’m sure you do as well.  In regards to forgetfulness, I have to write down everything because otherwise I’ll forget almost immediately.  Those moments where you walk into a room and freeze, having no idea what you were going to do?  Yeah, those moments happen to me quite frequently.  In retrospect it’s comical, but at the time it’s very frustrating and makes me feel helpless and anxious.  If I’m already this bad at remembering things at age 22, what will I be like when I’m 72? 82?  Continuing at my current rate, I probably won’t remember my name by then!

…But on a serious note, all of this discussion of forgetfulness caused me to also consider the things that we don’t forget.  Many of these unforgettable things are happy events, memories, or thoughts, but they also can be traumatizing, heartbreaking, painful thoughts that we’d much rather forget.  I find it bitterly ironic that the things we want to remember we can’t, but the things we don’t want to remember we remember so vividly, though we desperately wish to forget them.  That math test you forgot to study for, the garbage you forgot to take out: if only we could forget traumatic moments as easily as those mundane tasks. 

…But maybe we can.

Just like life, the brain is a complex system.  And just like life, you can change the thoughts that your brain chooses to cling to.  It won’t be easy, but the weight that will be lifted will be well-worth it.  What you need to do is to forgive.  Probably what’s weighing you down most, making you unable to forget, is this inability to forgive.  You carry this ache and blame of your persecutor (either yourself or another) with you everywhere you go, and this gets you nowhere.  It only makes the pain worse.  But if you simply choose to forgive and forget, that weight will disappear, and you’ll have more room in your brain for remembering good memories. 

Life is too short to be hung up on the bad parts of life.  Remember the beauty and happiness of your life, and forgive and forget what isn’t.  Life is all about perspective; choose the optimistic perspective and you will live a happy life. J

   

Names

I have such an infatuation with names.  I’m the weird girl that goes to the library and checks out baby name books, not because I'm pregnant or even considering becoming pregnant at any time in the near future, but just because I love names.  Names, and certain words in general, I find to be so enchanting.  I think my fascination for names is because they are so important.  They’re not only just words assigned to describe/call us but also words that define us.  Each person embodies his or her name—both with his or her own unique personality and with the stereotypes that others place on that particular name. 

So, names are beautiful and uplifting, but they also can be unfair, mean, and degrading.  The names we receive—both at birth and throughout our lives from others we encounter—have an extremely influential effect on our souls.  The good names can lift us up with encouragement and beauty, while the bad names we receive can pull us down with self-hatred and insecurity.

Therefore, we must be very careful with the names we choose to give others because the names are more than just words.  They have potent life energies within them that can elevate or crush a person in the blink of an eye.  So, choose names wisely.  They may be beautiful, but they can also be deadly.

                

             The following is a list of names that I’ve collected over the years, in case you’re looking for some names or just want to enjoy their beauty.  J

• Lyra                       
• Lura
• Stella
• Andromeda
• Sylvia
• Keturah
• Cornelia
• Henrietta
• Pamela
• Durwood
• Winter
• Micah
• Noah
• Rain
• Oceana
• Meadow
• Merlin
• Esteban
• Annablee
• Marina
• Azure
• Skylar
• Sequoia
• Willow
• Forest
• Zelda
• Luna
• Terrance
• Inez
• Amasa
• Giselle
• Frodo
• Brielle
• Linnea
• Orca
• Indigo
• Minnow
• Odette
• Calliope
• Elijah
• Acacia
• Anita
• Aqua
• Aria
• Bijou
• Betsy
• Calypso
• Cassiopeia
• Celesta or Celestina
• Clarinda
• Coral
• Cypress
• Aya
•  Devin
• Devashka
• Eliza
• Allegra
• Polaris
•  Capri

Vulnerability

Love: beautiful, powerful, and potentially harmful; a delicious pain.  I’ve never really considered myself to be a very brave person.  I like to avoid all unnecessary risks as much as I can, but one particular risk that I took without hesitation was one of the bravest and most potentially harmful of all: falling in love, placing my very heart and soul into my lover’s hands.  Looking in retrospect, falling in love takes a huge amount of bravery, for being in love is the epitome of vulnerability.

At any moment my lover could be taken from me.  Maybe he would find a new lover, simply move on, or – heaven forbid – die.  The powerful force of love is extremely powerful but with this power also comes major vulnerability, for if the chain of love is broken, I would be broken, completely shattered into a million pieces.  Love binds my soul to my lover so that if my lover leaves me, a part of my very soul would leave along with him.  You can’t get any more vulnerable than that, putting your heart and soul out on the line, willingly giving everything you are to someone, unknowing and/or unheeding of the extreme vulnerability that this entails.

Like I said, I never thought of myself as being a brave person, but I’ve recently realized that I actually am.  For even though I now comprehend how vulnerable my love makes me, I continue to love passionately and fearlessly.  The risk of love is well-worth the potential harm it could create.  I think that maybe the vulnerability that love creates is actually something deeply beautiful and shameless.  Letting someone see you, both inside and out, no editing or hiding of anything about yourself in any way-- no bragging of yourself and also no apologizing for who you are—just exhibiting you and only you: this so rarely happens, only with someone you deeply trust.

To share your soul with another person is a major risk.  Your soul consists of not only the good but also the bad.  What if your lover doesn’t like the “bad” parts of yourself, your imperfections?  What if some aspects of your soul make him want to run away?

…But then the miracle, the wondrous quality of love, comes in: your lover loves everything about your soul, even your imperfections.  To him, your imperfections are what make you so beautiful, the uniqueness that makes him love you so much.  Your perfect imperfections.  I don’t know about you, but being loved for everything that I am—body, mind, and soul—is definitely worth the vulnerability that it involves.  Love is such an absolutely awe-inspiring emotion.  So powerful and everlasting, there’s nothing else quite like it in the world.   As Christian says in the movie Moulin Rouge: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.”

But Then I Saw Him

Shaky, sweaty hands,

rapidly beating heart,

 and flaming cheeks:

I couldn’t believe what I was doing,

so filled with nerves.

But then I saw him.

He smiled,

placed his hand in mine,

and everything changed.

Worries, fears, insecurities?

Gone.

Magically evaporated.

Looking into the forest of his green eyes,

feeling his warm hand in mine,

I was home. 

Odd

What possesses people to throw their shoe(s) up into a power line?  I was thinking about this after I had seen a shoe dangling above me on my drive home from school a couple weeks ago.  It’s not just a localized thing either because I’ve seen this all over Wisconsin. 

The placement of these shoes is just so random, yet also artistically forlorn.  I mean, it had to have taken quite a bit of effort to throw that shoe up there and somehow get it to stay up there.  And the sacrifice!  Speaking as a girl, tossing my shoe up there…that’s awful because shoes are precious commodities!  And why is it often one shoe that’s thrown up there, not the whole pair?  Is it all part of the “artistically forlorn” image the thrower is trying to capture?  ‘Cause I mean otherwise you might as well throw the other shoe up there too because one shoe out of a pair is pretty useless, unless you only have one leg…

Oh, what a bizarre and confusing world we live in!  You just never know what you’re going to come across next.  Each and every day brings completely new experiences because every day and every person is unique.  Even each individual has the potential to be a completely different person and act in completely different ways each and every day.  This bizarre, every-changing, unpredictable quality of life is what makes the world such a wonderful place to live in.

So, the next time you see a lonesome shoe hanging from a power line, take a moment to reflect on and appreciate the oddness of the world we live in.  Because oddness makes the world go round!