Hope, Purpose, and Alcohol

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking…well, I’m always thinking, but I’ve been especially thinking in an introspective way lately because I’m out of school and have much more time to think about myself instead of schoolwork...and much more time to drink as well…

Oh, alcohol: the bittersweet, magical nectar of life.  It’s a liquid that has both good and bad potential.  If used irresponsibly, injury and perhaps death can occur, but if used responsibly, it can work wonders and make life much more interesting.  My boyfriend Marshall and I have been drinking a bit more than usual, but we’ve been doing it responsibly as always.  Alcohol has created great opportunities for deep conversations the past few days.  It’s the “liquid courage” for Marshall and me to share things about ourselves that we normally wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about: past relationships, beliefs, embarrassments, insecurities, etc… 

The more that I share about myself with Marshall and the more that Marshall shares about himself, the more I attach myself to him and the more I fall in love with every new aspect about him.  He’s become my whole world, and when I’m apart from him the only thing I can think about is being with him again.  This is beautiful but also quite scary.  I am filled with hopes for our future together, but what if my hopes don’t come true and I become discouraged?  Life right now is a fairy tale, especially when I think of all the potential that our future together has, but I feel that I’m setting my expectations too high by being too hopeful.  I’m a dreamer, so my hopes sometime tend to be a little unrealistic and over the top.  Going along with this hope is my purpose.  I set my hopes so high, so in turn I also set my purpose high.  I want to do so much.  I want to help and love and spread joy to as many people as I can, but I don’t know how or when or where. 

I’m very anxious and impatient right now, looking around for jobs and waiting to hear back from jobs I’ve applied to.  I just want to finally find a job that fits me perfectly…a job that I can excel at and one where I can fulfill my soul’s purpose.  Right now I’m at a standstill, frozen in time at a fork in the road, wondering what to do next and what’s going to happen next.  For a person who likes to always be doing something meaningful and prefers certainty, this has been an overwhelming, frustrating time.  There’s one thing, however, that keeps me from exploding from both peer and self-imposed pressure: Marshall. 

Marshall is always there for me, and is ever kind, attentive, and uplifting.  A couple of weekends ago, on the day after graduation, I had a mental breakdown in front of Marshall.  The amazing thing is that he knows me better than myself sometimes: he saw the breakdown coming before I even saw it coming!  He knew something was wrong, and eventually I broke down and cried before I could express what I was feeling.  One of the many things I love about Marshall is that he is so patient and loving.  He doesn’t become uncomfortable or revolted by my emotional outbursts but instead holds me close and strokes my hair, just patiently waiting for me to tell him what is wrong whenever I’m ready to.  When I finally find the words for what I’m feeling, each word I speak brings a new rush of relief.  It feels so nice to confide myself to someone I love and trust. 

Falling in love—falling in love with my soul mate, my one and only—is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I really love this line from the book Dream Lake by Lisa Kleypas because it perfectly describes what finding your soul mate is like: “It’s like your whole life you’ve been falling toward the earth, until the moment someone catches you.  And you realize that somehow you’ve caught her at the same time.  And together, instead of falling, you might be able to fly” (157).  By sharing ourselves and our love—and drinking some alcohol to make the process even easier and more crazily interesting—two souls are able to come together and help each other fix their broken wings, discovering their beautifully unique potentials. 

“I remember understanding what love really was.”

I was just like a kid at a candy store a couple days ago at the library.  With a skip in my step and an eager smile on my face, I was scooping up loads of books. I’m finally out of college and able to read the books that I want to read, and this realization excites me a great deal.  I’m a geek, I know, and I’m proud of it. Haha.  But anyways…I’m currently reading a book called Purity by Jackson Pearce.  I highly recommend this book.  It is quite comical and fun, a great read about a girl who lost her mother to cancer and the awkward father-daughter relationship that ensues afterward. 

I consider myself to be kind of an odd/unique reader.  Instead of flying through books, I tend to go very slowly, intrigued by certain words and trying to discover new quotes or ideas for my own writing.  For me reading a book isn’t for remembering all of the details about all of the characters or even the story itself; it’s about finding something meaningful, beautiful, or mind-altering that I can use for my own writing and/or thinking. 

There was one particular quote in Purity that I found very meaningful and true.  Since I’m so obsessed with love, it’s no surprise that the quote is about that.

“I remember understanding what love really was.  It didn’t hurt; it didn’t ignore your prayers.  Love tried to make you happy, even if it was useless.  Love would do anything to make you happy” (Pearce 109).

I know I’ve talked about love many, many times before, but it’s hard not to talk about it.  Love is what makes the world such a beautiful place, what makes the world even exist.  The world wouldn’t exist without love.  It’s a basic part of human nature; we were made from love (from our parents and God), and we need to love in order to nurture the human race’s future. 

What I find most striking about this quote from Purity is the part about love doing anything to make you happy, even if that happiness is unattainable.  When we’re sad, lonely, or lose a loved one, love will do anything to ease the pain.  This is so amazing…that sadness, loneliness, and loss can actually be turned into something beautiful when love is involved.  I’ve actually witnessed this with the death of one of my brother’s best friends, Mike.  Though Mike’s death was heartbreaking--especially since he was so young, had recently gotten married, and was such a great young man—his funeral brought his family and friends closer together, sharing the loving, happy memories that they’d experienced with him.  This loss became something beautiful through the power of love.  This is what’s so amazingly powerful about love: it turns anything—even the most painful feeling or experience—into something beautiful and healing.

Some may roll their eyes and call me a “hopeless romantic,” and that’s okay because that’s what I am…a hopeless romantic and an eternal optimist who believes that love will make the world go round, will make the world a better place, and will endure.  Forever.  

“Love is Patient, Love is Kind”

Sitting outside on this warm, sunny, humid spring day, I decided to sift through my Bible.  I’ve gone to church my whole life and have pretty much always been active with leading music when I’m there, but I’ve never been an extremely religious person.  However, I consider myself to be very spiritual.  So, going to church for me is more about being inspired by and feeling spiritually-connected to certain passages in the Bible (but not taking any of them too literally) and certain beautiful, Christian songs.  So, true to my unique perspective, I randomly roamed my Bible for passages that particularly caused a spiritual reaction for me.  One that particularly struck me was the following, a famous verse about love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13 4-8).

                

           I believe that love is the most powerful force in life and the source of all things.  Though love encounters hardships, it is always patient, kind, and forgiving.  What I think is the most amazing aspect about love is that it “rejoices with the truth.”  When we truly love one another we feel free to share our true selves and vice versa.  Love hides nothing.  The truth of who we are—our very souls—are right out in the open.  And when our souls (the truth) is seen, we can do all things; nothing is impossible because in these experiences of love we are seeing and feeling God and his love through the ones we love.  When loving another person, I believe that we are witnessing a glimpse of Heaven, of Truth, of the greatest love of all: God’s love.  We can take comfort in faith that no matter what evil forces and scary situations we may encounter, love will always vanquish its evil foes because love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…and never fails.”

Alone

                Loneliness.  I don’t know about you, but for me it is one of the worst feelings.  It’s probably what I fear the most in life, along with uncertainty.  Uncertainty kind of goes along with it: once I’m lonely I begin to panic because of the uncertainty of when I’ll be free from my loneliness.  The ironic thing about loneliness is that sometimes I like to be lonely.  Well, at least in the sense of just being alone but not feeling lonely, if that makes sense.  In a world of constant interaction with and pressures from people it’s sometimes nice to just be myelf for a while, to be in a peacefully quiet atmosphere and have only my thoughts as company.   I think that this “alone time” is necessary for everyone if they want to truly discover who they are as individuals, to un-become what others pressure them to be. 

                

               On the other hand, many times I don’t like to be alone…because being alone with my thoughts for too long can drive me mad.  Uncertainties plague my mind since I have nothing to distract me from reality…no incessantly-blabbing people, no electronics, no big buildings, no obligations.  Nope, none of it.  It’s just me and my thoughts...and when it’s just me and my thoughts nothing can distract me from reality.  I realize who I am and what the world around me is.  This is where uncertainty comes in: I realize that everything about myself and the world is uncertain.  For brief periods of time realizing this is fine, interesting, and beautiful, but being alone with these thoughts for too long can cause both major depression and panic.  These two don’t always happen together, but at least one or the other always happens when I’m lonely.

                

              With a depressed loneliness, I tend to stare blankly out into space—no tears (or just silent, slowly-cascading tears) and a hollow, dead feeling inside.  My mind either goes blank or a steady repetition of depressing thoughts trudge through my mind.

                

               The panicked loneliness is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum.  Instead of a slow, trudging of thoughts through my mind, I have rapid, heart-breaking thoughts flying and bouncing around my head.  I panic and hurtle insults at myself.  Tears rapidly flow down my face and cries choke out of me.   I curl up into a ball and/or hunker down to the floor with my hands over my face or hugging my chest.  If I’m feeling particularly distressed I pick and pinch at my skin, wanting to punish myself for reacting so violently/emotionally but mostly as a way to distract myself from my lonely thoughts.

                

                So, I realize that most of what I’ve said about loneliness is bad, but that’s only because that is what I choose to focus on in those instances: the bad.  But, as with everything in life, we should always focus on the good.  Being alone can be scary because you’re left alone with reality staring right back at you, but what I—and everyone else who fears loneliness—need to realize is that even when we’re alone, we aren’t.  We’re never truly alone.  Those who love us are living in our hearts and us in theirs.  And even when you feel that there’s no one who loves you, there’s one who always and forever will love you no matter what: God.  I’m not an extremely religious person, but I do consider myself to be very spiritual.  Therefore, I take comfort in my belief that God—or whoever/whatever created this unique and beautifully uncertain universe—will always be there for me and love me.  So, the next time you’re feeling sad and alone, remember: you’re never truly alone.  The love of your loved ones and your creator is always with you.       

Spontaneity

          

             Do you ever have those moments where a crazy idea pops into your head and you are very tempted to act on it?  This happens to me quite often, especially when I’m tired of the same old routine.  As I drive down the road on my way to school, for instance, I have a tingling, exhilarating urge to just forget about going to school, to forget about the future, and to just get on the interstate to travel to some tropical destination.  Or, before I met my boyfriend Marshall, I’d see a particularly handsome boy   walking down the street and feel the urge to walk up to him and tell him that I think he’s handsome and wrap him up in a hug.  Even though I don’t act on any of these spontaneous thoughts, I’m still left with a thrilling, cozy feeling, merely by thinking about the possibility. 

Today I was thinking about these spontaneous thoughts and wondered why I never acted on any of them.  I realized what the reason was: I was afraid of the consequences of my actions.  The future: such a frightening, illusory concept.  The latter part is what I should focus on, but I tend to always focus on the frightening aspect of it, of how what I do in the present can greatly affect my future.  What we need to focus on is the future’s illusory quality.  The future never truly happens.  It is always the present.  I shouldn’t focus on the future when the present is all that matters, but it’s really difficult to do this.  Society teaches a person from the very beginning of their life, and as they grow up, to always think of the future.  Go to school, graduate from high school, go to college, get a good job, find a partner, have kids, there’s always something to be planned.  But the truth is that life is uncertain and can’t truly be planned, and even if life was certain and you planned your whole life, that life would be a huge disappointment.  There’d be no surprise, no spontaneity.  Even though surprises and uncertainties can quite often be scary, they are what make life worthwhile and so beautiful.  You never know what’s going to happen next, and things are never as they seem.

What if, the next time I have one of those crazily spontaneous notions pop into my head, I actually act on it?  Most people would say that I’m insane and would be shocked, but deep down inside they’d be envious and admire my bravery.  We all have these thoughts, and we’re all afraid to act on them, but we so deeply want to.  Fear of the future is what holds us back.  What we need to remember is that the future is not real.  Neither is the past.  The only thing that is real is the present.  Life is a series of present events, so why not do whatever your mind wants to do in the present (as long as it’s not harmful to anyone or anything, of course)?  We worry way too much.  I especially am guilty of this.  If only we could all stop worrying so much and try to have the best life in the present that we can.  Have you always wanted to go to Paris?  Go ahead and do it.  Do you want to go talk to that cute boy in your class and tell him how you feel about him?  Once again, go ahead and do it.  You only have one life to live, so there’s no room for fear.  As Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.”  Life is too beautiful to be spent doing something you don’t want to do.  Go on and live your life.  Your life is a story…make it a good one.