The Stages of Heartbreak

The following poem is quite a bit different from the poems I usually write.  It is composed of a series of nine different segments (nine stages of heartbreak).  I actually wrote this quite a while back, but I took a long time editing the piece and, to be honest, finally got the courage to put it out on the web.  This poem is a very personal poem for me, probably the most personal one I've written before.  Like most of my poems, it was inspired by my own experience, but unlike most of my other poems, this one is based on a deeply painful emotional experience.  I tend to keep my emotions to myself, bottled up inside, because I have a difficult time expressing myself verbally, and I'm afraid of exposing my weakness to others.  Writing has always been my way of dealing with and expressing these emotions.  Creating this piece was quite therapeutic for me.  It helped me sort through my emotions, and shortly after this piece was written, I was proven right about there being hope because I indeed found "my prince."  We have been together about four months now, and I've never been happier.  So, if you ever feel like there's no hope and your heart is broken, remember that you are so beautiful and realize that there is someone out there who will truly love you and truly treat you right. 

"Every girl has a Prince Charming... yours just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions." --Adam Young (Owl City)

 

 

The Stages of Heartbreak

 

1.       Realization. 

 

A chill of comprehension

begins to course through my body.

A sick feeling that seeps

from my throat

into my chest

and

twists

my

stomach

into

knots.

 

2.       Shock. 

 

Like a flash of lightning or the shot of a gun.

It happens so fast,

so sudden. 

I finally see the light, and it blinds me, so that

I can’t think.

I can’t speak.

I can’t move.

I can’t breathe.

 

3.       Numb.

 

It’s as if I’ve been given a shot of Novicaine. 

I feel nothing.

Trapped. 

I’m trapped inside this oblivion. 

I speak and I hear,

but my words don’t belong to me,

and all that I hear is so far away,

Incomprehensible echoes.

 

 

4.       Pain. 

The numbness ebbs away.

An earthquake quivers through my body. 

An explosion of emotion causes me to slowly shatter

before your very eyes.

 

Regardless of my endeavors to conceal it,

I wildly flinging my emotions,

the shattered pieces of my heart,

on display for you to see:

confusion,

denial,

passion,

sorrow,

anger,

hurt; so much hurt. 

 

Punched in the chest.

Ran over by a truck.

Shot in the back. 

The only way to deal with the pain is to cry,

clinging to you as tightly as I can. 

 

It’s painful knowing this is the last time I will hold you,

but it’s better than the emptiness that will come again when you leave. 

Can’t let you go.

Can’t let myself forget. 

5.       Shame.

 

I don’t want to let go.

I don’t want to forget.

I know I need to. 

I’ve humiliated myself. 

This isn’t healthy. 

 

With deep racking breaths,

I force my tears to stop. 

I can’t let you see me this way. 

I need to be strong. 

I release you from the vice grip of my arms. 

You make a joke, try to ease my pain. 

Wild bloodshot eyes,

a trembling smile,

I hover on the brink of disaster.

 

6.       Losing it. 

 

“We’ll always be friends.” 

“I’ll always be there for you.” 

“I’ll always love you.” 

“It’s for the best.” 

“You deserve better.” 

 

I never knew how painful words could truly be until the moment

these words are said to me  

Because I know what they are leading up to:   

“Goodbye.”

 

How can one word be so painful,

 so hard to hear,

without shattering once more? 

You say it.

  I respond,

a whisper being all I can manage. 

The door closes behind you. 

Never has a sound made me lonelier than it does now. 

Never.

The sound of it slices through me like a knife,

My heart is officially broken. 

I scramble, picking up

the pieces.

 It’s no use.

I’ll never be able to put them back together again. 

 

Watching you drive away,

the earthquake starts all over again. 

I fall to the floor,

a flightless bird.

7.       Internal bleeding. 

 

(((I try to remove you from my mind.

I need to move on.

I can’t let the world see my hurt.

I keep it bottled inside where no one can see,

denying that it’s there at all.

Fake smiles,

pretending everything’s alright.

Inside I’m bleeding from the internal war

among my memories

 and my mind.)))

 

  

8.       Coldness. 

 

Trying to keep the memories away,

they still return. 

They make me warm for a few moments.

When I realize that “memories” are all they really are,

I’m left feeling empty.

Bitterly cold. 

I’m constantly cold.

I can’t get warm. 

 

I’m just so sick of being alone. 

I wish you were with me, holding me tight,

taking away this bitter chill that racks my body and rattles my teeth. 

You don’t truly realize what you’ve got until it’s gone. 

I feel so empty without you.

Life goes on.

It must go on. 

  

9.       Rebirth. 

 

The pain will never completely disappear.

 I have learned to deal with it and learn from it. 

Life is beautiful. 

I am beautiful. 

 

My prince is out there.

 I won’t stop until I’ve found him.   

Like a phoenix,

I rise from the ashes. 

It’s time to live. 

It’s time to begin again.