New Year, New Me

   So, the day is about to arrive again: New Year’s Day.  And now begins the New Year’s resolutions and weight loss advertisements galore.  I used to believe that stuff was a bunch of bologna, but just yesterday I began to give it a second thought.  Lately I’ve been really stressed out and down on myself.  My temporary position at Maple Ridge Farms has ended, so I’ve been searching for a new job, but in the free time that I have when I’m not searching for a job, I begin thinking too much.  This is mostly bad because when I think too much usually it’s about my insufficiencies or things that I can’t change, but yesterday my thinking got me somewhere.  I was trying to get at the bottom of what has really been bothering me lately.  I knew it wasn’t just that I didn’t have a job and was afraid I wouldn’t get one.  There was something more.  I’ve had these moments of depression when I had my job, so it was definitely something more.  It’s not about having a job or not.  It’s about me, who I am and how I react with other people.

   All my life I’ve been shy and tried to conceal who I truly am because I didn’t think anyone found me interesting.  I’ve always put myself down and tried to just remain unnoticed in social interactions.  This has become a habit that I can’t seem to break…and it makes me miserable.  Yesterday I was thinking about this pattern of behavior I’ve had, and I realized that it’s time to make a change.  2015 is my year…I can feel it.  It’s the perfect year for me to start over fresh, to be a new me.  I don’t have a job yet, so I can completely recreate myself in my next job, and I’m getting married in July, so even my name will be different!  A whole new identity…    

   But really I won’t become a new “me”; I’ll be the “me” I’ve always been but have been afraid to be.  I’m throwing all that fear aside.  I have decided that, instead of focusing on my imperfections and what people think of me, I will recognize and embrace my imperfections and try to focus on what makes me awesome.  Because that is what I am: awesome!  If someone thinks I’m not good enough for them, then they aren’t good enough for me.  We should all see each other as good enough plus more.  Everyone is awesomely unique!

   So now I will finally share with the world who I really am, my imperfections and my fears.  I think this will really help me to feel more at peace with myself and realize that people are a lot more accepting of me than I think that they are.  I’m anxious, shy, sensitive, insecure, emotional, easily frustrated, have a mild case of OCD, and socially awkward.  I’m afraid of the dark, insects, roller coasters, being alone, talking to strangers/people I don’t know well (most people…), and losing the respect/love of those I love.   But I’m also kind, optimistic, loving, creative, musical, respectful, and try to always see the best in people.  I love to sing, dance, and listen to music while drinking wine; I love hiking and photographing random animals/things I find; I love to read and reflect on myself and the wonder of life through writing; and overall just love to have a good time.  So in this coming year of 2015, I am determined to remain positive and be myself.  I know it may take a while to overcome my fears and anxieties in order to truly be myself, but I believe if I keep trying then I’m sure to succeed.  I love who I am; it’s time to finally introduce that young woman to the world.      
       

Leaves and Snowflakes

The air is brisk, the leaves are changing color, and the smell of leaves and pumpkin spice fill the air.  Autumn is here.  Though I love summer and all the warm weather it brings, there is something undeniably wonderful about fall and the upcoming winter magic to come.  To me, fall is a time of such beauty and coziness.  The world becomes a rainbow of colorful leaves, the air is a bit more brisk so you have to wear more cozy layers and cuddle closer to those you love, and the smell of the air is intoxicating.  The air smells of the lovely aroma of leaves, pumpkin spice, apple cider.  Something very awe-inspiring about fall is that even though it is a time of impending death for many plants and all the leaves of the trees, it is yet so incredibly beautiful.  It’s a lesson to us that even death can be beautiful.  It’s all a part of the miracle of life.  It may be the end of this life, but it’s the beginning of another.  When the winter comes, the leaves are gone and the world is so silent and seemingly dead, but spring always comes without fail, bringing color and life to the world once again. 

Even though I dislike how cold winter can be and get disheartened by all of the snow after a while, winter still holds a special place in my heart.  Winter is another cozy time, and it brings the wonderful holiday of Christmas.  Christmas is my very favorite day of the year.  It’s a time of family, food, coziness, and magic (all of my favorite things)!  Even as a kid, Christmas has never really been about the presents.  It’s always been about the excitement and magic of being together as a family and taking part in fun traditions together.  Christmas brings such joy to many people’s hearts, and that makes my heart warm and unbelievably happy.  This magic is such a blessing.  The whole world we live in is such a blessing. 

Sometimes we forget to take a moment to truly appreciate how blessed we are, so the holidays of fall and winter (Thanksgiving and Christmas) remind us of our blessings and restore the magic feeling of awe that we felt as children.  As the leaves begin to fall and the snow begins to drift upon the ground, take a moment to watch this miracle of life.  These events may happen every year, but every year is unique.  And there is always something new and astounding to discover on this beautiful planet we call home.  

Eternal Life

I was scrolling through quotes in Pinterest, which I do on a pretty regular basis since I’m a quotes nerd, and I found this poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye, pictured below.

I really love this poem.  It's so beautiful and can provide comfort to those who have lost a loved one.  More than just being beautiful and providing comfort, this poem also perfectly translates my beliefs when it comes to death and the afterlife.  I believe that those who have died may not be here in their former physical form anymore, but they will live on forever in spirit.  Bodies may die, but souls live forever.  Souls can take any form, so even though the ones we love won’t be there in their former physical form anymore, we will still be able to see them in other forms.  In sunlight, in the wind, in birds, in trees, in any number of living things. 

Some people may think that this idea is absurd and that once a person dies they are completely dead, but I disagree.  I’ve had a number of loved ones die, and for every person that has died, I have heard my family and friends tell experiences of seeing these people in other forms after they’d died. Some were seen in dreams, some in whispers in the wind, and others just in the feeling of a spirit beside them.   One experience that particularly touched me was the experience that my mom and dad experienced after my uncle Randy died. 

My mom and dad were in their pool, trying to relax after the stress of the news and the preparation for the funeral, when all of a sudden a Monarch butterfly fluttered down to touch my dad and then flew away.  As the butterfly flew away and moments after, both my mom and dad were silent, both somehow knowing that the butterfly was Uncle Randy.  His spirit lives on and comforts his loved ones.  What makes me believe this encounter even more is that a couple days before this I had a similar experience.  I was feeling stressed out from both the news of Uncle Randy’s death as well as my new job I had acquired, so I decided to take a walk.  The walk wasn’t helping at first, however.  Unhappy, fearful thoughts fluttered through my head, until I saw a Monarch butterfly sitting by the side of the road.  It was strange because he didn’t appear to be injured yet he was sitting there so nicely and barely even moved when I reached down to pet his wing.  It was such a beautiful experience, and after hearing my mom and dad’s story about their butterfly, I knew that the butterfly I encountered must have been Uncle Randy, too.

I sometimes don’t know what I believe in because it truly is hard to believe in things when you live in a world of such uncertainty, but one thing is certain: I believe in the everlasting soul.  I believe that after people die, their souls live on for eternity.  They become the whisper in the wind, the butterflies in the flowers, the gentle autumn rain, and the tree softly creaking in the breeze.  Their souls live on in the spirit of nature, and in our hearts, forever.  

The Proposal

        Something very exciting happened to me this past weekend, a moment I’d been waiting for my whole life…and it was everything I dreamed it would be and more.  It all started when Marshall and I went hiking at Devil’s Lake.  It was a foggy, overcast, and misty day, but that made it all the better for hiking.  It was a great workout, and when we reached the top of the bluff, I was pretty sweaty, but I felt great.  As we walked the trail, we came across a field of daisies.  Marshall led me into it and told me that there were two ways down from here.  I thought he was talking about either traversing down the cliff or taking the trail, so I immediately responded that we were taking the trail.  There was a brief moment of silence that set my heart racing.  I didn’t know why I was feeling nervous and exhilarated at the time, but somehow my heart knew what was coming because Marshall then said “…or as my wife..,” pulled a ring box out from his pocket, and got down on one knee.  

        “Will you marry me?”: words I’d dreamed of my whole life, but I could barely believe it.  It felt so surreal.  I was actually going to marry the man of my dreams.  I was going to be his wife, and he was going to be my husband.  Since my mind was exploding with exhilaration and happiness, I went on autopilot.  I did the mannerisms that pretty much all girls do when they’re proposed to: I clapped a hand to my mouth, choked out a “yes,” and wrapped Marshall into a boa constrictor-tight hug, telling him I loved him.  In retrospect, I kind of wish I would’ve paused a moment before saying “yes,” savoring the moment, but instead I said “yes” almost before he’d finished asking me, I was that excited.  I couldn’t help myself.  When you get the opportunity to marry a man as wonderful as Marshall, it’s impossible to hesitate!  And after Marshall had proposed to me and put the ring on my finger, I just couldn’t stop looking at it.  It’s so simply beautiful and unique, like a sparkly snowflake.  I couldn’t wait to share with everyone the wonderful news that I’d be marrying my prince! 

          I continue to play the moment of Marshall’s proposal over and over in my head and can’t help but smile.  It’s overwhelming to think about all the wedding planning we’ll have to do, the trials that we’ll face as we spend the rest of our lives together, and the commitment we’ll be making to each other, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Marshall is worth any hardship I may have to go through in life.  As long as we’re together, I’ll be the happiest woman alive.  And that’s the power of true love: it makes life so much more fulfilling and wondrous and brings out the strongest feelings you’ll ever feel.        

           Saturday, August 23, 2014…  It was such a romantic, magical day that I will never forget. I love Marshall so much, and can't wait to marry him and spend the rest of forever with him.  He makes my life so happy and complete.

               

“I’ll tickle your catastrophe.”

A couple of weeks ago I got a book at the library called The Standard Book of Shakespeare Quotations, and I’ve had quite a bit of fun with it.  Shakespeare has so many funny quotations in his works.  They’re especially funny when you quote them with a dignified, dramatic voice.  Here are a couple examples of some particularly funny/unusual ones:

“Your bum is the greatest thing about you.”

“Away, you scullion! you rampalian! you fustilarian!  I’ll tickle your catastrophe.”

  

“Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you!”

“I had rather chop this hand off at a blow, And with the other fling it at thy face.”

There are so many awesome Shakespeare quotes, but my favorite is the following one from his play Macbeth: “What, you egg? Young fry of treachery!”  I think it’s actually my favorite quote of all time, to be honest.  It is just so funny to say!  Whenever I quote it I can’t help but laugh afterward.  You’ve gotta love the little things in life.  They’re what make life so worthwhile and much more interesting.  An ice cream cone, a favorite song, a sunny day, a hug…these little, sweet things make life so lovely.  An opportunity that arose last night can also be included with these little things.

It was a warm, sunny day, but a few clouds were coming in and thunder rumbled in the distance, when all of a sudden it began hailing!  My boyfriend Marshall and I dashed out and snagged a few pieces.  They were so beautiful, and it’s so amazing to think about.  Those little chunks of ice actually fell from the sky, in perfectly round pieces.  We held pieces of the sky in our hands.  Just when we thought it couldn’t get any more awesome, it stopped hailing and then began down pouring like crazy!!  So, naturally, we ran outside and into the rain.  We screamed and laughed deliriously, shaking with both exhilaration and with frigidity from the cold rain pelting down upon us.  In that moment, I felt so free, so alive.  I don’t think there’s anything better than that.  Just enjoying a simple piece of nature, feeling the rain pour down on me and not even care that my clothes are soaked.  Just letting nature take its course and marvel in it all around me…letting nature “tickle” my “catastrophe.”   

                

           This feeling that I have for running in the rain is how I should approach the rest of my life.  When things go wrong or unexpectedly, I should accept it and enjoy it.  I should let nature “tickle” my “catastrophe.”   When my life is filled with rainclouds and storms, I need to ditch my depression and instead embrace the beauty that even rainclouds and storms can have.  Because truly life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.  

Patience is a virtue…that I do not have

                Lately I have been very impatient.  Well…let me rephrase that: I’ve always been impatient.   Impatient for summer to come and for school to be done, impatient for Christmas, impatient for a really great vacation, impatient for my food when I’m eating at a restaurant, impatient while I’m standing in line waiting to have my items checked out…you get the point. Currently this impatience has been all about my eminent “adult future,” finding a job and getting married.  Those two things have been at the top of my list of both excitements and anxieties.

In regards to finding a job, it gets depressing when all I do is search and search for a job and then go to an interview or get declined before even having a chance for an interview.  Not even getting an interview happens much more frequently and is really discouraging.  It makes me feel worthless.  I want to get a job where I am appreciated and feel like I’m making a difference, as well as enjoying it in the process.  This is my ideal job.  The problem is that I don’t know exactly what job this would be and as soon as I find a job that I think would be perfect for me, I get denied.  So, the cycle continues.

                

            In regards to marriage, I’ve always dreamed of finding my prince and having a fairy tale wedding.  So, now that I’ve found my prince, I’m impatient to tie the knot and have my fairy tale come true.  I have a Pinterest board full of ideas for the wedding, and my mom and I have already been talking about where to have the wedding and the reception.  I feel a little bad about how antsy I am, but at the same time, I really don’t…because the anticipation and dreaming is the best part.  Once the dream is achieved, then it’s over.  Sure, you have the memories of it, but the challenge and the anticipation of the unexpected is gone.  The unexpected can be scary, but mostly it’s beautiful and thrilling. 

The future is something to speculate and dream about, but the beauty of it all is that you can never completely predict it.  The brides on the show Bridezillas would have a different opinion of this, and instead want everything to go exactly as planned, but in the end what fun is that?  If everything goes exactly as planned, there are no surprises.  Sure, some surprises can be unpleasant (such as the florist forgetting to order the flowers or the bride falling into a fountain and ruining her dress), but most times these moments are what makes the event so memorable and unique.  I’m not saying that I want these unpleasant things to happen to me on my wedding day, of course.  What I’m trying to say is that I want to embrace whatever happens with a smile on my face.  And not just my wedding…but my whole future.  Because I have faith that even though there will certainly be some unhappy moments in my future, the happy moments will completely outnumber them and the unexpected can be expected.  So, bring it on!  The future is bright.

               

little words

                Do you ever have those moments when someone compliments you (on your outfit, your hair, your actions, or your personality), and you’re left with a warm fuzzy feeling inside of you that completely makes your day?  I have these moments occasionally and whenever this happens I can’t help but smile hugely.  It’s especially wonderful when someone compliments me on a day in which I have low self-esteem or am just overall feeling down.  These moments make my day.  It’s amazing that no matter how little the compliment is, it still has a huge effect.  It can be more than just someone saying “I like your dress” or “You are such a nice person.”  Other times it can be something funny a person says, and it lightens your mood and alleviates your stress…or it could be a thought-provoking comment, which tests your own beliefs and helps you grow spiritually and intellectually.  What all these have in common is this: the comment is little but filled with thoughtfulness and love.

                

                Many times I pass by people I’ve never met before, and I notice something about them that I’d like to compliment them on, but I’m afraid to.  For one, I’ve never spoken to this person before, so that’s awkward from the start, and then secondly, I’m afraid that my compliment is stupid.  However, as I walk away, I always regret not telling the person what I was thinking.  Deep down I know that everyone loves to be given a compliment, but the shy and hesitant side of me convinces me that confronting a person I don’t know is just too embarrassing to handle.  I need to disregard the shy and hesitant side of my mind and instead embrace spontaneity.  If it weren’t for spontaneity, after all, I would never receive the little unexpected compliments and comments that I love so much.  It may be scary to speak your mind and let people know how you feel, but it’s worth the risk because the little things you say could potentially make a huge difference in someone’s life, filling the empty place in that individual’s heart with a warm glow.

What’s My Age Again?

Two weeks ago I turned 23 years old, and I can’t believe it.  That’s what I say every year, but it’s true.  The older I get time seems to go faster and faster.  I used to laugh about that when my grandparents would say that, but I now know what they were talking about.  It’s crazy, but it’s actually true.  The older you get, you realize just how beautiful your life is and learn to appreciate each moment.   When I was younger, time seemed to go super slowly.  One year seemed like a century.  Even when I was in high school, the idea of a freshman dating a senior sounded insane and was quite the controversy.  The irony here is that if Marshall and I had dated when we were in high school, that’s what the situation would have been.  He would have been a senior while I was a freshman.  Darn.  I missed out on the controversy.  Now it isn’t a controversy at all.  Three years is nothing when you’re a little bit older.

I think it was after I graduated that all of this started, the “time going faster” bit.  I started to figure out who I was and began to have responsibilities/obligations that I never had before: deadlines, bills, living on my own, and just  major freedom in general.  So, instead of having too much time to kill, I was praying for time to slow down before my next paper was due, before my next exam was scheduled, before my next tuition bill was due, etc…  It’s very interesting how time is truly relative.  When we’re at work and want the day to be done, the minutes seem to last a lifetime, but when we’re on vacation and want the time to last forever, the minutes seem to last merely seconds.  It’s both frustrating and fascinating.

In the end, however, time really doesn’t mean anything.  This is mind-blowing to think about, and probably most people wouldn’t believe me when I say this, but I think it’s true.  Our lives may be an accumulation of seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years, but it isn’t what we do in each of those seconds that makes a difference.  It’s, in total, what enriching of a life we choose to have.  To me, age isn’t the number that you currently are.  It’s the age you choose to be.  If you’re 40 but feel like—and choose to be—6, per say, then you truly can.  I definitely agree with the saying that “you’re as young as you feel.”  Your age isn’t the number you are now; it can be any number below that as well; you are an accumulation of ages.  For instance, a person who is 13 is also 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12.  It’s the choice that determines what age that person is.  My mom works at an elementary school, and many of the children think that she’s 20 or 30 years old.  That’s because she chooses to be young.  She is actually 51 years old, but she is a child at heart.  She can be however young she wants to be.

Thinking about myself being 23 years old is very hard to believe.  I feel more like a high schooler still…or maybe a 5-year-old….and that’s okay.  I can be whatever age I want to be.  Of course, in public it can be a little weird to act like a 5-year-old when you’re actually 23 years old, but you can still act that way in your heart.  It’s another amazing thing about all creatures: we are all ages at once.  We have so many choices and opportunities to be whatever age we want and be whatever people we want to be.  I, myself, am a whole lot of contradictions.  I’m a child at heart, but I also consider myself to have an old soul.  I like to color in coloring books and play little kid games, but I also like talking with older people and doing more mature activities.  I have the heart of a child, the mind of a dirty 23-year-old, and the introverted but loving soul of an old, wisdom-filled soul. 

This is what makes life so interesting.  You never know what a person is like at first glance and that person can always change him or herself into something entirely different.  So, “what’s my age again?”  It doesn’t matter.  I am—and we all are—all ages.  All it takes is choice.  And, in my case, "I never want to act my age.”

Wandering through the Cemetery

                Last week I was bored and couldn’t figure out what to do.  While most people would come up with ideas such as watching a movie, hanging out with a friend, or taking a nap, my idea was to go find a random cemetery and wander around in it.  To most people my idea would sound morbid and strange, but to me it’s very exciting and interesting.

               

When I go to a cemetery I don’t think about the hundreds of dead bodies beneath me.  Instead, I think about the beautifully unique lives that all of these people have had.  I’m also intrigued by the unique names and the beauty of the gravestones themselves.  So, when I went to the cemetery last week I brought a camera and took pictures of certain gravestones I found unique and/or ones that had neat names on them.  The location of the cemetery I went to (St. Joseph’s cemetery) was particularly picturesque.  It was located near the woods next to the Wisconsin River. 

As I wandered the cemetery I felt the familiar, odd mixture of feeling that I always get when I’m at a cemetery: a comfort/happiness but also a bittersweet sadness.  Being in a cemetery reminds me of my mortality, which can be a bit depressing, but it also reminds me how many unique individuals are on this earth and the wonderful miracle of each and every person’s life, no matter how short or long.

So, the next time you’re bored and can’t figure out what to do, wander around in a cemetery.  You’ll learn to appreciate the life you have so much more.

Dancing to the Songs in my Head

               

There’s something magical about the effect that dancing has over me.  I’ve never been a very great dancer, but I highly enjoy it.  When I dance, I feel like I’m floating on air and am filled with a sense of ecstasy.  In this moment, I am completely me.  It’s an activity that involves both the body and the soul, so I become in tune with the both of them and the two become one. 

Dancing didn’t always feel this way for me, however.  I used to be much more self-conscious about how I danced, especially in junior high and high school, but once I graduated from high school and went to college, I realized that I didn’t care what other people thought of me.  So what if they thought I was a horrible dancer?  I mean, they’re right, but being talented is not what dancing is about.  It’s about the pure joy, the wonderful feelings that dancing brings.  Growing up helped me realize that I don’t have to please everyone in order to be happy.  The only person I need to please is myself.  As long as I do what I love and what I think is right, that’s all that matters.

When I dance, the whole room disappears.  All I can see is the world twirling around me, the world suddenly so bright and vivid, and all I hear and feel is the music.  Even if the song I’m dancing to isn’t one that I like all too much, dancing makes the song much more amazing.  When I’m feeling any strong emotion (happy, sad, angry, or lonely), dancing can always help me work through it.  The music becomes me, and all of my troubles disappear.  Oh, the wonderful power of music and dance.

Unfolding a World of Optimism

         You look at someone and are just filled with a blissful aching of unconditional love for him, or you see him do some random thing or look a certain way, and you think to yourself, “Man, I love you so much!”  Or, perhaps you’re taking a walk outside and suddenly feel a deep connection with and wonder of everything in the world around you.  Do you ever have these moments of pure, unbridled intensity?

               

         These moments used to happen merely occasionally for me, but ever since I fell in love with Marshall, these moments occur daily.  Each and every day I find something new to love about Marshall, and this in turn makes the whole world even lovelier.  There’s something about love that completely changes a person’s perspective and potentially a person’s whole identity.  The world takes a much more cheerful and beautiful sheen, and things that seemed unremarkable before falling love now have become absolutely stunning.  Instead of viewing the world pessimistically, this person begins to unfold a world of optimism.  

                

          A person in love is a person of constant, beautiful change.  By becoming very close to another person and learning all about that person’s skills, flaws, quirks, beliefs, and values, you begin to compare and contrast yourself with your lover, and you reconsider your own beliefs and values.  I think that this is a wonderful, amazing process…and essential.  I believe that in order to truly know yourself and what you believe in, you have to love another person with skills, flaws, quirks, beliefs, and values that are different from yours. 

We can learn so much from one another.  No two people are the same, and no one has all of the answers.  Truly there is no right or wrong but only that in which the majority of us agrees to be right or wrong.  By getting to know, respect, and love a person for everything that he or she is, I believe we are able to get closer to a collective, divine Truth.  For love is the truest Truth of all.

                

        

Beauty

I really dislike mean, judgmental people, and I particularly hate it when people say things like what’s quoted in the above picture.  There is no such thing as ugly, in my opinion; it’s all in our minds, and each mind sees beauty and ugliness in a different way.  When a person claims that a girl is ugly and can’t believe that she has a boyfriend, they are being very unfairly judgmental.  Even for this person who thinks that this girl is physically ugly, there is beauty to be found in her soul.  Every person is unique and that makes every person amazingly beautiful.  So a girl doesn’t fit the physical standards of what most men think is attractive (thin, busty, flawless skin, gorgeous hair, etc…)?...So what?  Physical characteristics are not what truly matters.  What is most beautiful is the girl’s personality, her flaws and quirks, her soul.  That is what should be focused on: the internal characteristics of a person.

I’m not one of those who doesn’t practice what she preaches either.  I truly use this viewpoint of focusing on internal characteristics in my own life.  When I first began to converse with my boyfriend Marshall, I had no idea what he looked like.  I’d signed up for a trial membership of eHarmony, so I wasn’t able to look at any pictures of what he looked like, but that didn’t matter to me.  What was so amazingly beautiful and unique about this experience was that I fell in love with Marshall’s personality and soul before I physically met him.  Every day that I spend with him and learn more about him now, the more attractive he becomes for me.  It’s all about the soul.  If you fall for someone’s soul, you’ll begin to fall in love with their outer appearances as well.  You figure out that all of the little quirks and imperfections about that person are what make him or her so perfect in your eyes.  

So, before you judge someone else, remember that true beauty is in the soul, and everyone is beautiful in their own little way. 

Hope, Purpose, and Alcohol

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking…well, I’m always thinking, but I’ve been especially thinking in an introspective way lately because I’m out of school and have much more time to think about myself instead of schoolwork...and much more time to drink as well…

Oh, alcohol: the bittersweet, magical nectar of life.  It’s a liquid that has both good and bad potential.  If used irresponsibly, injury and perhaps death can occur, but if used responsibly, it can work wonders and make life much more interesting.  My boyfriend Marshall and I have been drinking a bit more than usual, but we’ve been doing it responsibly as always.  Alcohol has created great opportunities for deep conversations the past few days.  It’s the “liquid courage” for Marshall and me to share things about ourselves that we normally wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about: past relationships, beliefs, embarrassments, insecurities, etc… 

The more that I share about myself with Marshall and the more that Marshall shares about himself, the more I attach myself to him and the more I fall in love with every new aspect about him.  He’s become my whole world, and when I’m apart from him the only thing I can think about is being with him again.  This is beautiful but also quite scary.  I am filled with hopes for our future together, but what if my hopes don’t come true and I become discouraged?  Life right now is a fairy tale, especially when I think of all the potential that our future together has, but I feel that I’m setting my expectations too high by being too hopeful.  I’m a dreamer, so my hopes sometime tend to be a little unrealistic and over the top.  Going along with this hope is my purpose.  I set my hopes so high, so in turn I also set my purpose high.  I want to do so much.  I want to help and love and spread joy to as many people as I can, but I don’t know how or when or where. 

I’m very anxious and impatient right now, looking around for jobs and waiting to hear back from jobs I’ve applied to.  I just want to finally find a job that fits me perfectly…a job that I can excel at and one where I can fulfill my soul’s purpose.  Right now I’m at a standstill, frozen in time at a fork in the road, wondering what to do next and what’s going to happen next.  For a person who likes to always be doing something meaningful and prefers certainty, this has been an overwhelming, frustrating time.  There’s one thing, however, that keeps me from exploding from both peer and self-imposed pressure: Marshall. 

Marshall is always there for me, and is ever kind, attentive, and uplifting.  A couple of weekends ago, on the day after graduation, I had a mental breakdown in front of Marshall.  The amazing thing is that he knows me better than myself sometimes: he saw the breakdown coming before I even saw it coming!  He knew something was wrong, and eventually I broke down and cried before I could express what I was feeling.  One of the many things I love about Marshall is that he is so patient and loving.  He doesn’t become uncomfortable or revolted by my emotional outbursts but instead holds me close and strokes my hair, just patiently waiting for me to tell him what is wrong whenever I’m ready to.  When I finally find the words for what I’m feeling, each word I speak brings a new rush of relief.  It feels so nice to confide myself to someone I love and trust. 

Falling in love—falling in love with my soul mate, my one and only—is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I really love this line from the book Dream Lake by Lisa Kleypas because it perfectly describes what finding your soul mate is like: “It’s like your whole life you’ve been falling toward the earth, until the moment someone catches you.  And you realize that somehow you’ve caught her at the same time.  And together, instead of falling, you might be able to fly” (157).  By sharing ourselves and our love—and drinking some alcohol to make the process even easier and more crazily interesting—two souls are able to come together and help each other fix their broken wings, discovering their beautifully unique potentials. 

“I remember understanding what love really was.”

I was just like a kid at a candy store a couple days ago at the library.  With a skip in my step and an eager smile on my face, I was scooping up loads of books. I’m finally out of college and able to read the books that I want to read, and this realization excites me a great deal.  I’m a geek, I know, and I’m proud of it. Haha.  But anyways…I’m currently reading a book called Purity by Jackson Pearce.  I highly recommend this book.  It is quite comical and fun, a great read about a girl who lost her mother to cancer and the awkward father-daughter relationship that ensues afterward. 

I consider myself to be kind of an odd/unique reader.  Instead of flying through books, I tend to go very slowly, intrigued by certain words and trying to discover new quotes or ideas for my own writing.  For me reading a book isn’t for remembering all of the details about all of the characters or even the story itself; it’s about finding something meaningful, beautiful, or mind-altering that I can use for my own writing and/or thinking. 

There was one particular quote in Purity that I found very meaningful and true.  Since I’m so obsessed with love, it’s no surprise that the quote is about that.

“I remember understanding what love really was.  It didn’t hurt; it didn’t ignore your prayers.  Love tried to make you happy, even if it was useless.  Love would do anything to make you happy” (Pearce 109).

I know I’ve talked about love many, many times before, but it’s hard not to talk about it.  Love is what makes the world such a beautiful place, what makes the world even exist.  The world wouldn’t exist without love.  It’s a basic part of human nature; we were made from love (from our parents and God), and we need to love in order to nurture the human race’s future. 

What I find most striking about this quote from Purity is the part about love doing anything to make you happy, even if that happiness is unattainable.  When we’re sad, lonely, or lose a loved one, love will do anything to ease the pain.  This is so amazing…that sadness, loneliness, and loss can actually be turned into something beautiful when love is involved.  I’ve actually witnessed this with the death of one of my brother’s best friends, Mike.  Though Mike’s death was heartbreaking--especially since he was so young, had recently gotten married, and was such a great young man—his funeral brought his family and friends closer together, sharing the loving, happy memories that they’d experienced with him.  This loss became something beautiful through the power of love.  This is what’s so amazingly powerful about love: it turns anything—even the most painful feeling or experience—into something beautiful and healing.

Some may roll their eyes and call me a “hopeless romantic,” and that’s okay because that’s what I am…a hopeless romantic and an eternal optimist who believes that love will make the world go round, will make the world a better place, and will endure.  Forever.  

“Love is Patient, Love is Kind”

Sitting outside on this warm, sunny, humid spring day, I decided to sift through my Bible.  I’ve gone to church my whole life and have pretty much always been active with leading music when I’m there, but I’ve never been an extremely religious person.  However, I consider myself to be very spiritual.  So, going to church for me is more about being inspired by and feeling spiritually-connected to certain passages in the Bible (but not taking any of them too literally) and certain beautiful, Christian songs.  So, true to my unique perspective, I randomly roamed my Bible for passages that particularly caused a spiritual reaction for me.  One that particularly struck me was the following, a famous verse about love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13 4-8).

                

           I believe that love is the most powerful force in life and the source of all things.  Though love encounters hardships, it is always patient, kind, and forgiving.  What I think is the most amazing aspect about love is that it “rejoices with the truth.”  When we truly love one another we feel free to share our true selves and vice versa.  Love hides nothing.  The truth of who we are—our very souls—are right out in the open.  And when our souls (the truth) is seen, we can do all things; nothing is impossible because in these experiences of love we are seeing and feeling God and his love through the ones we love.  When loving another person, I believe that we are witnessing a glimpse of Heaven, of Truth, of the greatest love of all: God’s love.  We can take comfort in faith that no matter what evil forces and scary situations we may encounter, love will always vanquish its evil foes because love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…and never fails.”

Alone

                Loneliness.  I don’t know about you, but for me it is one of the worst feelings.  It’s probably what I fear the most in life, along with uncertainty.  Uncertainty kind of goes along with it: once I’m lonely I begin to panic because of the uncertainty of when I’ll be free from my loneliness.  The ironic thing about loneliness is that sometimes I like to be lonely.  Well, at least in the sense of just being alone but not feeling lonely, if that makes sense.  In a world of constant interaction with and pressures from people it’s sometimes nice to just be myelf for a while, to be in a peacefully quiet atmosphere and have only my thoughts as company.   I think that this “alone time” is necessary for everyone if they want to truly discover who they are as individuals, to un-become what others pressure them to be. 

                

               On the other hand, many times I don’t like to be alone…because being alone with my thoughts for too long can drive me mad.  Uncertainties plague my mind since I have nothing to distract me from reality…no incessantly-blabbing people, no electronics, no big buildings, no obligations.  Nope, none of it.  It’s just me and my thoughts...and when it’s just me and my thoughts nothing can distract me from reality.  I realize who I am and what the world around me is.  This is where uncertainty comes in: I realize that everything about myself and the world is uncertain.  For brief periods of time realizing this is fine, interesting, and beautiful, but being alone with these thoughts for too long can cause both major depression and panic.  These two don’t always happen together, but at least one or the other always happens when I’m lonely.

                

              With a depressed loneliness, I tend to stare blankly out into space—no tears (or just silent, slowly-cascading tears) and a hollow, dead feeling inside.  My mind either goes blank or a steady repetition of depressing thoughts trudge through my mind.

                

               The panicked loneliness is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum.  Instead of a slow, trudging of thoughts through my mind, I have rapid, heart-breaking thoughts flying and bouncing around my head.  I panic and hurtle insults at myself.  Tears rapidly flow down my face and cries choke out of me.   I curl up into a ball and/or hunker down to the floor with my hands over my face or hugging my chest.  If I’m feeling particularly distressed I pick and pinch at my skin, wanting to punish myself for reacting so violently/emotionally but mostly as a way to distract myself from my lonely thoughts.

                

                So, I realize that most of what I’ve said about loneliness is bad, but that’s only because that is what I choose to focus on in those instances: the bad.  But, as with everything in life, we should always focus on the good.  Being alone can be scary because you’re left alone with reality staring right back at you, but what I—and everyone else who fears loneliness—need to realize is that even when we’re alone, we aren’t.  We’re never truly alone.  Those who love us are living in our hearts and us in theirs.  And even when you feel that there’s no one who loves you, there’s one who always and forever will love you no matter what: God.  I’m not an extremely religious person, but I do consider myself to be very spiritual.  Therefore, I take comfort in my belief that God—or whoever/whatever created this unique and beautifully uncertain universe—will always be there for me and love me.  So, the next time you’re feeling sad and alone, remember: you’re never truly alone.  The love of your loved ones and your creator is always with you.       

Spontaneity

          

             Do you ever have those moments where a crazy idea pops into your head and you are very tempted to act on it?  This happens to me quite often, especially when I’m tired of the same old routine.  As I drive down the road on my way to school, for instance, I have a tingling, exhilarating urge to just forget about going to school, to forget about the future, and to just get on the interstate to travel to some tropical destination.  Or, before I met my boyfriend Marshall, I’d see a particularly handsome boy   walking down the street and feel the urge to walk up to him and tell him that I think he’s handsome and wrap him up in a hug.  Even though I don’t act on any of these spontaneous thoughts, I’m still left with a thrilling, cozy feeling, merely by thinking about the possibility. 

Today I was thinking about these spontaneous thoughts and wondered why I never acted on any of them.  I realized what the reason was: I was afraid of the consequences of my actions.  The future: such a frightening, illusory concept.  The latter part is what I should focus on, but I tend to always focus on the frightening aspect of it, of how what I do in the present can greatly affect my future.  What we need to focus on is the future’s illusory quality.  The future never truly happens.  It is always the present.  I shouldn’t focus on the future when the present is all that matters, but it’s really difficult to do this.  Society teaches a person from the very beginning of their life, and as they grow up, to always think of the future.  Go to school, graduate from high school, go to college, get a good job, find a partner, have kids, there’s always something to be planned.  But the truth is that life is uncertain and can’t truly be planned, and even if life was certain and you planned your whole life, that life would be a huge disappointment.  There’d be no surprise, no spontaneity.  Even though surprises and uncertainties can quite often be scary, they are what make life worthwhile and so beautiful.  You never know what’s going to happen next, and things are never as they seem.

What if, the next time I have one of those crazily spontaneous notions pop into my head, I actually act on it?  Most people would say that I’m insane and would be shocked, but deep down inside they’d be envious and admire my bravery.  We all have these thoughts, and we’re all afraid to act on them, but we so deeply want to.  Fear of the future is what holds us back.  What we need to remember is that the future is not real.  Neither is the past.  The only thing that is real is the present.  Life is a series of present events, so why not do whatever your mind wants to do in the present (as long as it’s not harmful to anyone or anything, of course)?  We worry way too much.  I especially am guilty of this.  If only we could all stop worrying so much and try to have the best life in the present that we can.  Have you always wanted to go to Paris?  Go ahead and do it.  Do you want to go talk to that cute boy in your class and tell him how you feel about him?  Once again, go ahead and do it.  You only have one life to live, so there’s no room for fear.  As Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.”  Life is too beautiful to be spent doing something you don’t want to do.  Go on and live your life.  Your life is a story…make it a good one.                    

Fear

   

      Fear: it's such a paralyzing, useless thing, but we all deal with it, especially when it comes to me.  There are so many interesting experiences I could have taken part in if only I hadn't been overcome with fear.  Meeting new people, talking to an attractive guy, trying a new activity, applying for and interviewing for a job: these are all examples where fear stopped me from pursuing them.

     You know the phrase "There's nothing to fear but fear itself"?  That's what we all need to focus on the next time we're afraid of something, because it's true.  Sure, fear can be a healthy reaction to things/situations that truly could physically hurt or kill you, but for the most part fear is irrational, merely a product of your mind.  Fear keeps us from truly experiencing life; instead of being active participants, we are passive observers just watching life pass us by.

     I think that the main reason that we fear all stems from the uncertain nature of life.  This is the base of every fear a person has: uncertainty.  Uncertainty of whether what the person fears to do/experience will hurt us or not.  Humans inherently desire to feel safe so we then fear anything that threatens this safety.  But if you let your whole life be controlled by your fear then you'll never experience life; now that's something to truly fear.  Life is for living, Maybe, as Lights says in her song "Lions," "you don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."  Instead of sitting on the sidelines, fearing your life, go out there and live it, having faith that it will all work out in the end.

Intellectual Conversations

          When I saw the above picture on Facebook, I deeply connected with it and began reflecting on it.  I have this same love for intellectual conversations, too.  In such a life filled with busyness and distractions, it's hard to find time to just sit down and talk to one another about what really matters in life, but we all really need to find the time to do this.  Intellectual conversations are fascinating, healing, and make you question your beliefs in a very stimulating way.  You don't have to have a P.H.D. or be super smart in order to have an intellectual conversation; all you need to do is rid yourself of life's distractions for a while and focus, focus only on the people around you and the conversation.

          In today's world, we are always surrounded by distractions: TV, Internet, smart phones, movies, etc...  While these distractions can be fun, they are also harmful.  They dissolve true human interactions, taking us away from reality.  We get so caught up in the artificial, technological world that we don't even pay attention to the real world after a while.  One instance that really brought this idea to my attention occurred when I was on my way to class at the university.  Walking down the hallway, there were a bunch of people sitting on the floor outside of the classrooms, waiting for the room to open up...if you could even call them people; they were more like robots.  Every single person--and no exaggeration here at all--every single person was staring into a screen: their phone, a laptop, or their tablet.  I often feel out of place in this technological world because I don't own a smart phone, but I'm glad that I don't own one.  It's nice to escape technology for a while.  And that's where intellectual conversations come in...

          Instead of sitting around on the couch, staring into screens, we should all engage in intellectual conversation.  It would be much more interesting and more worthwhile, and much more real.  I mean, talking with real people?  You can't beat that!  Though I am really shy and suck at conversation, I appreciate and love intellectual conversation.  If you get me going on a conversation about philosophy, existential ideas, and/or the Universe, I may not talk excessively (at least at first), but I will definitely be enjoying it.  I'm more of a listener than a talker.  I find listening to others' ideas, and then mulling over those ideas in my head, to be a quite valuable and interesting endeavor.  I am a very open-minded individual and absolutely adore learning new beliefs, ideas, and concepts that I'd never considered before.  I don't judge; I believe that all people are welcome to have their own beliefs and ideas, and I really love that there are so many different beliefs and ideas to constantly discover.  That's what makes intellectual conversations so amazing: it's always fresh and new.  You question what you believe in, communicate what you believe in, and learn something new along the way.

So, instead of sitting on the couch and watching TV or staring into your phone,  strike up an intellectual conversation with someone tonight.  You'll be so glad that you did. :)