The Jenna Devin Blog

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Year, New Me


   So, the day is about to arrive again: New Year’s Day.  And now begins the New Year’s resolutions and weight loss advertisements galore.  I used to believe that stuff was a bunch of bologna, but just yesterday I began to give it a second thought.  Lately I’ve been really stressed out and down on myself.  My temporary position at Maple Ridge Farms has ended, so I’ve been searching for a new job, but in the free time that I have when I’m not searching for a job, I begin thinking too much.  This is mostly bad because when I think too much usually it’s about my insufficiencies or things that I can’t change, but yesterday my thinking got me somewhere.  I was trying to get at the bottom of what has really been bothering me lately.  I knew it wasn’t just that I didn’t have a job and was afraid I wouldn’t get one.  There was something more.  I’ve had these moments of depression when I had my job, so it was definitely something more.  It’s not about having a job or not.  It’s about me, who I am and how I react with other people.

   All my life I’ve been shy and tried to conceal who I truly am because I didn’t think anyone found me interesting.  I’ve always put myself down and tried to just remain unnoticed in social interactions.  This has become a habit that I can’t seem to break…and it makes me miserable.  Yesterday I was thinking about this pattern of behavior I’ve had, and I realized that it’s time to make a change.  2015 is my year…I can feel it.  It’s the perfect year for me to start over fresh, to be a new me.  I don’t have a job yet, so I can completely recreate myself in my next job, and I’m getting married in July, so even my name will be different!  A whole new identity…    

   But really I won’t become a new “me”; I’ll be the “me” I’ve always been but have been afraid to be.  I’m throwing all that fear aside.  I have decided that, instead of focusing on my imperfections and what people think of me, I will recognize and embrace my imperfections and try to focus on what makes me awesome.  Because that is what I am: awesome!  If someone thinks I’m not good enough for them, then they aren’t good enough for me.  We should all see each other as good enough plus more.  Everyone is awesomely unique!

   So now I will finally share with the world who I really am, my imperfections and my fears.  I think this will really help me to feel more at peace with myself and realize that people are a lot more accepting of me than I think that they are.  I’m anxious, shy, sensitive, insecure, emotional, easily frustrated, have a mild case of OCD, and socially awkward.  I’m afraid of the dark, insects, roller coasters, being alone, talking to strangers/people I don’t know well (most people…), and losing the respect/love of those I love.   But I’m also kind, optimistic, loving, creative, musical, respectful, and try to always see the best in people.  I love to sing, dance, and listen to music while drinking wine; I love hiking and photographing random animals/things I find; I love to read and reflect on myself and the wonder of life through writing; and overall just love to have a good time.  So in this coming year of 2015, I am determined to remain positive and be myself.  I know it may take a while to overcome my fears and anxieties in order to truly be myself, but I believe if I keep trying then I’m sure to succeed.  I love who I am; it’s time to finally introduce that young woman to the world.