Patience is a virtue…that I do not have

                Lately I have been very impatient.  Well…let me rephrase that: I’ve always been impatient.   Impatient for summer to come and for school to be done, impatient for Christmas, impatient for a really great vacation, impatient for my food when I’m eating at a restaurant, impatient while I’m standing in line waiting to have my items checked out…you get the point. Currently this impatience has been all about my eminent “adult future,” finding a job and getting married.  Those two things have been at the top of my list of both excitements and anxieties.

In regards to finding a job, it gets depressing when all I do is search and search for a job and then go to an interview or get declined before even having a chance for an interview.  Not even getting an interview happens much more frequently and is really discouraging.  It makes me feel worthless.  I want to get a job where I am appreciated and feel like I’m making a difference, as well as enjoying it in the process.  This is my ideal job.  The problem is that I don’t know exactly what job this would be and as soon as I find a job that I think would be perfect for me, I get denied.  So, the cycle continues.

                

            In regards to marriage, I’ve always dreamed of finding my prince and having a fairy tale wedding.  So, now that I’ve found my prince, I’m impatient to tie the knot and have my fairy tale come true.  I have a Pinterest board full of ideas for the wedding, and my mom and I have already been talking about where to have the wedding and the reception.  I feel a little bad about how antsy I am, but at the same time, I really don’t…because the anticipation and dreaming is the best part.  Once the dream is achieved, then it’s over.  Sure, you have the memories of it, but the challenge and the anticipation of the unexpected is gone.  The unexpected can be scary, but mostly it’s beautiful and thrilling. 

The future is something to speculate and dream about, but the beauty of it all is that you can never completely predict it.  The brides on the show Bridezillas would have a different opinion of this, and instead want everything to go exactly as planned, but in the end what fun is that?  If everything goes exactly as planned, there are no surprises.  Sure, some surprises can be unpleasant (such as the florist forgetting to order the flowers or the bride falling into a fountain and ruining her dress), but most times these moments are what makes the event so memorable and unique.  I’m not saying that I want these unpleasant things to happen to me on my wedding day, of course.  What I’m trying to say is that I want to embrace whatever happens with a smile on my face.  And not just my wedding…but my whole future.  Because I have faith that even though there will certainly be some unhappy moments in my future, the happy moments will completely outnumber them and the unexpected can be expected.  So, bring it on!  The future is bright.

               

little words

                Do you ever have those moments when someone compliments you (on your outfit, your hair, your actions, or your personality), and you’re left with a warm fuzzy feeling inside of you that completely makes your day?  I have these moments occasionally and whenever this happens I can’t help but smile hugely.  It’s especially wonderful when someone compliments me on a day in which I have low self-esteem or am just overall feeling down.  These moments make my day.  It’s amazing that no matter how little the compliment is, it still has a huge effect.  It can be more than just someone saying “I like your dress” or “You are such a nice person.”  Other times it can be something funny a person says, and it lightens your mood and alleviates your stress…or it could be a thought-provoking comment, which tests your own beliefs and helps you grow spiritually and intellectually.  What all these have in common is this: the comment is little but filled with thoughtfulness and love.

                

                Many times I pass by people I’ve never met before, and I notice something about them that I’d like to compliment them on, but I’m afraid to.  For one, I’ve never spoken to this person before, so that’s awkward from the start, and then secondly, I’m afraid that my compliment is stupid.  However, as I walk away, I always regret not telling the person what I was thinking.  Deep down I know that everyone loves to be given a compliment, but the shy and hesitant side of me convinces me that confronting a person I don’t know is just too embarrassing to handle.  I need to disregard the shy and hesitant side of my mind and instead embrace spontaneity.  If it weren’t for spontaneity, after all, I would never receive the little unexpected compliments and comments that I love so much.  It may be scary to speak your mind and let people know how you feel, but it’s worth the risk because the little things you say could potentially make a huge difference in someone’s life, filling the empty place in that individual’s heart with a warm glow.

What’s My Age Again?

Two weeks ago I turned 23 years old, and I can’t believe it.  That’s what I say every year, but it’s true.  The older I get time seems to go faster and faster.  I used to laugh about that when my grandparents would say that, but I now know what they were talking about.  It’s crazy, but it’s actually true.  The older you get, you realize just how beautiful your life is and learn to appreciate each moment.   When I was younger, time seemed to go super slowly.  One year seemed like a century.  Even when I was in high school, the idea of a freshman dating a senior sounded insane and was quite the controversy.  The irony here is that if Marshall and I had dated when we were in high school, that’s what the situation would have been.  He would have been a senior while I was a freshman.  Darn.  I missed out on the controversy.  Now it isn’t a controversy at all.  Three years is nothing when you’re a little bit older.

I think it was after I graduated that all of this started, the “time going faster” bit.  I started to figure out who I was and began to have responsibilities/obligations that I never had before: deadlines, bills, living on my own, and just  major freedom in general.  So, instead of having too much time to kill, I was praying for time to slow down before my next paper was due, before my next exam was scheduled, before my next tuition bill was due, etc…  It’s very interesting how time is truly relative.  When we’re at work and want the day to be done, the minutes seem to last a lifetime, but when we’re on vacation and want the time to last forever, the minutes seem to last merely seconds.  It’s both frustrating and fascinating.

In the end, however, time really doesn’t mean anything.  This is mind-blowing to think about, and probably most people wouldn’t believe me when I say this, but I think it’s true.  Our lives may be an accumulation of seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years, but it isn’t what we do in each of those seconds that makes a difference.  It’s, in total, what enriching of a life we choose to have.  To me, age isn’t the number that you currently are.  It’s the age you choose to be.  If you’re 40 but feel like—and choose to be—6, per say, then you truly can.  I definitely agree with the saying that “you’re as young as you feel.”  Your age isn’t the number you are now; it can be any number below that as well; you are an accumulation of ages.  For instance, a person who is 13 is also 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12.  It’s the choice that determines what age that person is.  My mom works at an elementary school, and many of the children think that she’s 20 or 30 years old.  That’s because she chooses to be young.  She is actually 51 years old, but she is a child at heart.  She can be however young she wants to be.

Thinking about myself being 23 years old is very hard to believe.  I feel more like a high schooler still…or maybe a 5-year-old….and that’s okay.  I can be whatever age I want to be.  Of course, in public it can be a little weird to act like a 5-year-old when you’re actually 23 years old, but you can still act that way in your heart.  It’s another amazing thing about all creatures: we are all ages at once.  We have so many choices and opportunities to be whatever age we want and be whatever people we want to be.  I, myself, am a whole lot of contradictions.  I’m a child at heart, but I also consider myself to have an old soul.  I like to color in coloring books and play little kid games, but I also like talking with older people and doing more mature activities.  I have the heart of a child, the mind of a dirty 23-year-old, and the introverted but loving soul of an old, wisdom-filled soul. 

This is what makes life so interesting.  You never know what a person is like at first glance and that person can always change him or herself into something entirely different.  So, “what’s my age again?”  It doesn’t matter.  I am—and we all are—all ages.  All it takes is choice.  And, in my case, "I never want to act my age.”

Wandering through the Cemetery

                Last week I was bored and couldn’t figure out what to do.  While most people would come up with ideas such as watching a movie, hanging out with a friend, or taking a nap, my idea was to go find a random cemetery and wander around in it.  To most people my idea would sound morbid and strange, but to me it’s very exciting and interesting.

               

When I go to a cemetery I don’t think about the hundreds of dead bodies beneath me.  Instead, I think about the beautifully unique lives that all of these people have had.  I’m also intrigued by the unique names and the beauty of the gravestones themselves.  So, when I went to the cemetery last week I brought a camera and took pictures of certain gravestones I found unique and/or ones that had neat names on them.  The location of the cemetery I went to (St. Joseph’s cemetery) was particularly picturesque.  It was located near the woods next to the Wisconsin River. 

As I wandered the cemetery I felt the familiar, odd mixture of feeling that I always get when I’m at a cemetery: a comfort/happiness but also a bittersweet sadness.  Being in a cemetery reminds me of my mortality, which can be a bit depressing, but it also reminds me how many unique individuals are on this earth and the wonderful miracle of each and every person’s life, no matter how short or long.

So, the next time you’re bored and can’t figure out what to do, wander around in a cemetery.  You’ll learn to appreciate the life you have so much more.