Alone

                Loneliness.  I don’t know about you, but for me it is one of the worst feelings.  It’s probably what I fear the most in life, along with uncertainty.  Uncertainty kind of goes along with it: once I’m lonely I begin to panic because of the uncertainty of when I’ll be free from my loneliness.  The ironic thing about loneliness is that sometimes I like to be lonely.  Well, at least in the sense of just being alone but not feeling lonely, if that makes sense.  In a world of constant interaction with and pressures from people it’s sometimes nice to just be myelf for a while, to be in a peacefully quiet atmosphere and have only my thoughts as company.   I think that this “alone time” is necessary for everyone if they want to truly discover who they are as individuals, to un-become what others pressure them to be. 

                

               On the other hand, many times I don’t like to be alone…because being alone with my thoughts for too long can drive me mad.  Uncertainties plague my mind since I have nothing to distract me from reality…no incessantly-blabbing people, no electronics, no big buildings, no obligations.  Nope, none of it.  It’s just me and my thoughts...and when it’s just me and my thoughts nothing can distract me from reality.  I realize who I am and what the world around me is.  This is where uncertainty comes in: I realize that everything about myself and the world is uncertain.  For brief periods of time realizing this is fine, interesting, and beautiful, but being alone with these thoughts for too long can cause both major depression and panic.  These two don’t always happen together, but at least one or the other always happens when I’m lonely.

                

              With a depressed loneliness, I tend to stare blankly out into space—no tears (or just silent, slowly-cascading tears) and a hollow, dead feeling inside.  My mind either goes blank or a steady repetition of depressing thoughts trudge through my mind.

                

               The panicked loneliness is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum.  Instead of a slow, trudging of thoughts through my mind, I have rapid, heart-breaking thoughts flying and bouncing around my head.  I panic and hurtle insults at myself.  Tears rapidly flow down my face and cries choke out of me.   I curl up into a ball and/or hunker down to the floor with my hands over my face or hugging my chest.  If I’m feeling particularly distressed I pick and pinch at my skin, wanting to punish myself for reacting so violently/emotionally but mostly as a way to distract myself from my lonely thoughts.

                

                So, I realize that most of what I’ve said about loneliness is bad, but that’s only because that is what I choose to focus on in those instances: the bad.  But, as with everything in life, we should always focus on the good.  Being alone can be scary because you’re left alone with reality staring right back at you, but what I—and everyone else who fears loneliness—need to realize is that even when we’re alone, we aren’t.  We’re never truly alone.  Those who love us are living in our hearts and us in theirs.  And even when you feel that there’s no one who loves you, there’s one who always and forever will love you no matter what: God.  I’m not an extremely religious person, but I do consider myself to be very spiritual.  Therefore, I take comfort in my belief that God—or whoever/whatever created this unique and beautifully uncertain universe—will always be there for me and love me.  So, the next time you’re feeling sad and alone, remember: you’re never truly alone.  The love of your loved ones and your creator is always with you.