All Alone, but Not Truly

            Tears pooled up in my eyes and ran down my face in rivers that crystallized in the bitter winter’s chill.  I rubbed the ice crystals away and shivered, pulling my legs up tight against my body on the park bench.  I didn’t have to sit outside and shiver, I wasn’t homeless, but I just couldn’t stand spending another minute in that empty apartment.  I felt so claustrophobic, and the silence was deafening.  As my breath blew out in ghostly wisps, I looked around and saw a world of white.  It reminded me of a blank sheet of paper, just like my life had become: a piece of paper with nothing written on it, with no meaning, no purpose.  Next week would be the start of my college career.  I should have been excited, but instead I just felt utterly alone.  Away from Mom, Dad, my littler sister Sylvia, and Andrew.  Andrew, my boyfriend and handsome prince, was the furthest away of all. Thinking of him caused new tears to run afresh, and my body began to shake in spasms.  I couldn’t help but think that this would’ve been the start of Andrew’s college career as well, if he hadn’t died in a car crash a year ago today.  We’d not only been dating since our first year of high school, but we’d also grown up together.  Despite the tears that continued to fall, I smiled as I remembered the day we met.

            It was a bright and beautiful spring day.  I relished in the warmth of the sun on my face as I stood on the fresh, green grass of the church yard.

                        “Tag!  You’re it!” a boy shouted, tapping me on the back.  I turned to glare at him.  He was tall for his age, and skinny, with untidy brown hair that flopped over blue eyes glittering like sunlight on the ocean as he ran away laughing.  To the boy’s surprise, I kicked off my heels and ran after him, my white dress flapping in the breeze and strands of hair coming out of my long, blonde braid in large wisps.

“Tag!  You’re it, Andrew!” I said.  I gave him a haughty look as he stared at me in wonder.

“Alright, guys, let’s all sit down now.  It’s time to start our lesson,” said a lady with short brown hair and a kind but stern face.  We all groaned.  “I know, I know…it’s a gorgeous day, and you’d rather be playing, but it’s time for class now.  If you’re all good listeners, maybe we’ll end class early, how does that sound?” 

That shut us up pretty fast.  Mrs. Beech smiled, pleased by our response.  We then all sat down in a circle around our teacher.

“Good, good,” she said.  “Okay, I have a story for you today that I think you’ll like.  It’s the story of Stella the balloon.”  Mrs. Beech opened her book and began to read.

“Stella was a very happy balloon who lived in a party supply store.  She had a wonderful family and many friends who loved her very much.  All day long she would float in the air next to her fellow balloons, exchanging hugs and kisses as they bumped up against each other.  This world was not all happiness, however.  Every so often, a human would come into the store and pluck a balloon away from the little community.  Just recently a little baby balloon had been taken away from his mother.  The baby and his mother cried and cried for each other, but the man who took the baby could not hear him.  Humans can not hear the voices of balloons, you see, because the balloons’ voices are too high-pitched to be heard.  Stella’s whole community circled around the mother, trying to soothe her, but they could not.  She began to deflate, to lose air.  The storekeeper inflated her again, and she began to recover, but she was never truly the same.  Stella began to feel nervous.  What if her mother or father were taken away?  Or her best friend Emily?  She couldn’t bear thinking these thoughts, so she tried to clear them from her mind as she snuggled close to her loved ones.  She didn’t know that the next day would be a day she’d never forget.

‘I want that one, Mommy,’ said a pudgy little girl, her curly red hair bouncing against her back. 

‘The blue and pink sparkly one?’ the mother asked, pulling Stella down from the ceiling.  The girl nodded in agreement.  Stella called out in alarm and desperately tried to float back up to the ceiling, back to her family and friends, but the woman held Stella’s string firmly in her hand.  Her family and friends helplessly cried, as Stella was paid for and taken out of their world forever.

            Stella found herself in a world that she couldn’t have even imagined.  It was so bright, colorful, and incredibly vast.  If she hadn’t been so heartbroken, she would’ve loved it.  Instead, she felt utterly and completely alone as she was tugged along, put into the back seat of a car, and then wrapped around the red-haired girl’s hand.  The girl giggled with glee as she danced across the yard with her balloon. 

Stella was experiencing a terrific case of both whiplash and wonder as she dizzily watched the world twirl around her.  She was still terribly missing her family and friends, but she was also in awe of this new world.  The startling intensity and variety of colors made her head spin, and the freshness of the air and the amazing array of smells, both good and bad, relaxed her spirit.  The interesting new sounds of cars beeping, frogs chirping, and dogs barking both shocked and enchanted her.  What amazed her most of all was the sky.  It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen: never-ending and a shade of blue that she’d never seen before.  She longed to float up into the sky and explore it with her friend Emily, but she sighed and deflated slightly as she realized that she’d never see her again.  Suddenly, a large burst of wind came and pulled at Stella’s string, untying her from the red-haired girl’s arm.  Stella was free.  The girl shouted and bawled in sadness as her precious balloon drifted up, up, and up into the sky.

    At first Stella was exhilarated by her newfound freedom and marveled as she watched the ground below become smaller and smaller, but after a while the ground was lost from sight, and all she could see around her were clouds.  If she thought she’d been alone before, she certainly was now.  As if that wasn’t enough, the sky grew dark, and it started to rain.  The winds began to pick up, and she was violently tossed about.  Stella wasn’t scared, though, because a sudden calm had washed over her, and she suddenly understood that she was not alone; she never had been alone.  God had always been with her and was with her in that very moment.  Stella prayed, asking Him for help, and a few moments later the wind died, the sun shone once more, and a beautiful rainbow lit up the sky.  Stella gaped in amazement; she’d never seen something so beautiful before.  Everything is going to be alright, she thought to herself, for God is always with me.

Stella continued her flight upwards, and eventually she began to expand as the pressure of the air grew higher.  She knew the end was near, but she kept her faith until the very end, when she ultimately popped because the pressure of the air was too high.  Stella then went to heaven and was with her balloon family once more.  The end.”  Mrs. Beech closed the book and gave it a satisfied pat.  “Can someone tell me what lesson this story teaches us?”

I raised my hand, and Mrs. Beech called on me. “We are never alone because God is always with us,” I replied.

----

I was suddenly flashed back to the present as a voice interrupted my thoughts.  Looking up, I saw a young man peering at me in concern.  He appeared to be around my age and had jet black hair and bright green eyes.

            “Oh, hi!” the boy said.  I looked back blankly, still recovering from my bolt back into reality “Sorry to bother you, but you just seemed pretty down.  I was wondering if you were okay.”

            “I’m fine,” I said. “Just thinking.”

            “Ah.  Well, isn’t it a little early to be thinking already?” he teased.  “School hasn’t started yet.  I assume you’re going to college here as well, right?”

            “Oh. Yeah.  I am.”  There was an awkward silence, while the boy looked around casually before extending his hand out toward mine.

            “Well, my name is Michael, in case you’re wondering.  Nice to meet you.” 

I took his hand and shook it.  “Nice to meet you, too.  I’m Brielle.”  Michael smiled at me, and I found myself smiling back because his smile was very contagious.  It’d been the first smile I’d had in a long time, and it felt really good.  I felt alive, instead of being the living-dead, which I’d been for the past year.

“So, Brielle, what were you thinking about anyways?” Michael asked with a playful smile on his face.  My smile faded as quickly as it had come, and a blankness returned.  “Oh, sorry,” he said, noticing my reaction.  “I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.  I was just wondering,”

“It’s okay, but just…well…I don’t really want to talk about it.”  I looked down at the snow-covered ground below me, fighting back tears. 

“I’m so sorry.” Michael reached out and tentatively touched my shoulder.  The touch of his hand on my shoulder shot a shiver of electricity down my spine, and I felt my face begin to grow red as a stop light.  “If you ever want to talk about it to someone though, feel free to talk to me,” he continued.  “I don’t mind.  I know we just met, and maybe me saying that creeps you out or something, but just saying…”

I looked up at him, and I felt hope.  I hadn’t felt this way since before Andrew died.  God must have been with me in this moment.  He had brought Michael into my life to try and pull me out of my painful past.  “Thank you, Michael,” I said, with tears glittering in my eyes.  “You have no idea how much that means to me.”

Michael peered at me in pleasant surprise, and then looked down at his feet modestly as he said, “It’s no problem, no problem at all.”  He shivered involuntarily as a gust of wind blew past us, and we both watched as a scrap of paper went fluttering past our feet.  “Well, anyways…I was on my way to the grocery store, so I better get going before I turn into an ice block.”

“Oh, okay,” I said, faking a bright smile to hide my disappointment.  I must not have hidden it very well though because Michael didn’t turn to leave.  Instead he lingered and opened his mouth to say something but hesitated.

“Would…uh…would you….like to come with me?” Michael stammered. “I mean, the grocery store isn’t the most exciting place to go, but it’s better than sitting out in the cold.  At least it’ll be warm.”

His insecurity was so adorable.  It made me smile, and I felt like a giddy little school girl.  I had to admit that he was very attractive.  With his shortly-cropped black hair, his infectious smile, and his green eyes like the color of grass on a sweet spring day, he truly dazzled me.  Michael made me feel happy and tingly all over, but I felt a wave of guilt beneath my joy.  Wouldn’t this be a betrayal of Andrew if I start to have feelings for another guy…and maybe have a relationship with him?  My heart beat fast, and I blushed beet red at the possibility of the latter, which made me feel even guiltier.

“So…um…what do you think?” Michael said, biting his lip and looking around nervously.

            His voice startled me, and I realized I’d been lost in my own head again.  I knew I needed to make a decision, and as I looked up at Michael’s anxious face, I understood that Andrew would want me to be happy.  He wouldn’t expect me to live my whole life alone.  I didn’t want to be alone anymore…and God obviously didn’t want me to be alone anymore either.

            “Sure!  The grocery store sounds great,” I said.  I jumped up from the park bench, and before I could change my mind, I impulsively took Michael’s hand.  His eyes grew wide in surprise, and then a delighted smile filled his face.  As we walked down the street, leaving my park bench behind, I looked up at the sky and happened to see something that took my breath away.  It was a red balloon, rising up into the air.  All alone, I thought and then smiled, but not truly.  I knew I might never feel completely whole again, but I also knew that I’d never be alone.